Yet another week has slipped by. Where does the time go? I'm acutely aware of the time when I'm in class, but as soon as class ends, time slips through my fingers. I think I'll try to remedy this with a planner and then maybe I can figure out how to grab hold properly.
With the four day school week, the academic news is short, but far from sweet:
Calculus quiz: Probably scored a 50% on it because it was only a two question quiz and I didn't have enough time (it was only 10 minute long without calculators quiz) to finish my second problem completely. I have the right solution written down, but it's all in graphic form, not algebraic form.
Trigonometry: I'm getting disgusted with this class. I do not appreciate how Professor XXXXX pauses and virtually refuses to teach. Furthermore, when he does his brief impression of teaching, it's taught at the level of the brightest guy in the classroom, which obviously enough, I'm not. It's not challenging, it's impossible to follow what he's talking about. I've asked several students if they understood the math behind the problems, and the consensus is a firm no.
In other news:
Went to the Hookah Bar, and frankly, it was a big let down. From there, we (me, and the two girls I told you about in the previous blog) took one of the girls back to her car, and she went home. The second girl and I stayed and talked in the car for quite some time. *Switching to PG-13 Mode* Things progressed further than I had hoped but we didn't actually kiss lips to lips. See, there's a large problem, she's not exactly single. That, which I'll address shortly, coupled with the fact that she labeled kissing on the lips as some sort of taking what we were doing as something serious. Since we didn't, she didn't take it as something real/serious. That's fine.
We stayed up and out in my car until 430am. Exhausted from the lack of sleep, I go to take her home, and the car doesn't start. FML. As if there was any sign that what we had been doing was a bad idea, this was it. I ignored that fact, and after some light coaxing, we got the second girl out to jump the car.
The following night (Saturday night), the girl whom I had fooled around with, came over to work on some online coursework because her computer is shot temporarily. After she finishes the work, we get to talking again, and again things progress further than I had anticipated. *DETAILS FILTERED BY PG-13* The point is, she kissed me on the lips. We kissed. So, in my mind, this is a great thing, she's now considering this to be something real/serious. She stays overnight, and the repercussions, which I will also address later turned out to be drastic. In the morning, after a night of cuddling and such, she and I have yet ANOTHER talk, and she tells me she doesn't think that this should be something real or serious. I hate that. I hate everything about that. So now, things are up in the air, and shit has hit the fan with the other girl two because she told her about us, and damn, she's not supportive of cheating (who knew /sarcasm).
Ok, so two things I said I'd address:
1. I'm a HUGE jerk. Instead of respecting a long distance relationship in trouble, I completely disregard it and fool around with the girl. I get it. I'm not perfect, but somehow in my mind it's less severe because what happened between the girl and I was a mutual desired experience.
2. The repercussions. Since I'm staying with the folks till I have enough money to move out, I have to follow their rules. One of their BIG rules is to not have a girl sleep over/ don't get laid in the house. Welp, we know that she did spend the night, and now I'm on the verge of being thrown out. Really? Great. I've managed to go only 4 months this time before being threatened to be booted. Mix that with the drama of the non-cheating-supportive friend, and my world is thrust into a bad episode of "The Real World" from MTV. *Note If I do get thrown out, obviously my next blog will be delayed. More on that in the next blog. :X
I do recognize that I brought all this on myself, and frankly, I'm not even looking for empathy or pity. I'm looking for some God Forsaken clarity.
Here's some points of clarity that I have garnered:
a. Don't let anybody change who you are.
b. I don't like who I am when I'm with this girl. I break point a just by being interested in her romantically.
c. Disappointing my family has never made me feel so childish, or foolish as I felt today.
With all that I've written here, I hope that maybe I can provide insight, even if it's only for me.
In completely unrelated news, I went to go watch the LCCC girls soccer team play against Casper. We won, 2-0. Does this mean I'm gaining school spirit? Maybe. Does this mean that I got a sun burn on half of my face? Most assuredly.
Tonight's blog was written with numerous songs in the background, but I recommend "Every Man Has a Molly" by Say Anything on "...Is A Real Boy"
This is a story told by many lusty people. We are in the garden of earthly delights, thus, it is easy to be pulled into our wants. However, you know full well what is right and wrong. You and I learned that many moons ago, Sir. Sigh....
ReplyDeleteThe hardest thing about doing anything is getting yourself to do it and sticking to it. That includes self control.
Self control is the ability to control one's emotions, behaviour and desires (From Wikipedia...sigh). This is a difficult task for humans to accomplish. There are people, however, that have practiced self control for many centuries; munks, nuns, and various martial artists.
I find the easiest place to start is in the gut/heart. It knows a lot more than you think. Just gotta listen through all the other bullshit.
<3 ya buddy. Good luck.
P.S. Listening to "The Outer Banks" by The Album Leaf on "In a Safe Place."